Unafraid?

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore. This is the first time in my entire life that I can say this.
Shortly after the realization came fear. I just so happen to be a person grounded on plans... I have always had my next five years planned out perfectly, falling in place as I went along. Now, my summer is sure to be full of unexpected changes, and in the fall I have no idea what I want to do, or where I'll be. I'm currently exploring my options, like I said, for the first time in a long time. I don't think I've ever not known where I was going in the fall. The fact that it might not be school scares me even more.
Somehow, now that I've called it quits with university, I do feel as though I've accomplished something. I'm able to scratch one more thing off the list of "what I don't want to do". Plus, I do have one whole year of university under my belt, so that if I even felt the want or need to return, I think I could. If I really had to.
The question is, am I scared or excited about not knowing?
I think perhaps having my life oh-so-perfectly planned out has always been a stumbling block for me. As much as I love spontaneity, I rarely can convince myself to live in that way.
The past couple of weeks I've been stumbling blindly over these realizations... asking people I trust what they believe and feel I should do. The one person I should have asked first though, I have quietly ignored.
What does God want out of my life? What does He have planned for me? Because all my planning is in vain if He has some other idea up His sleeves. And lets face it, He probably does. And its probably going to better than anything I've ever thought up. He knows me far better than people I've been seeking out for guidance, He knows me better than I know myself. So why is it so hard for me to trust Him?
Am I supposed to stay at Concordia?
Do I belong in Montreal?
Should I go to Dawson?
Should I move closer to Kyle?
Would I be happy in Alberta?
Would it be acceptable for me to move back home?
Do I want to move back home?
Should I work for a year, or continue my education?
What's holding me back from making such important decisions?
Yet, somehow.. for the moment... I feel strangely at peace with the idea that I have no plans. This opens up an entire new world to me, and now nothing is holding me back from choosing want I want to do. But instead of asking what I want to do, shouldn't I be asking what God wants me to do?
I guess maybe God's telling me its time to face my fears.

Portfolio

So, even though I'm reconsidering going to Dawson in the fall, I thought those of you who follow this might like to see the photograph section of my portfolio. It's pretty amature, but it interests me. So enjoy!


















Camp (girl's division) at 5 .30am. Walkerton, On.

The shore of the Saugeen River, at Party Beach.

The Seawall beach in Galveston, Tx

Sarah, in Fergus

I want, I want, I want.

I've been looking into colleges for some reason, and not even for interior design anymore... yesterday I found Holland College, in Charlottetown, PEI. There's a program there for Pastry Chef, and it lasts a year. I would love to do that... or would I love to go to Dawson for interior design?

The interior design program is three years long. Which is... long. And I'm afraid of failure here... to get into Dawson only to have to drop out of another program might break me. I'm sick of living in Montreal... sick of speaking french, sick of leaving everyone I love behind to come back to a place where I feel alone.

The more I think about it, and talk about it, the more I think I should be doing the pastry chef thing... Its only a year long.. so if it was awful, I would almost be done anyway. And even though it's farther away, I love to travel, I want to live in as many places as possible. And I've always wanted to be a chef, its what I always thought I would do, so why don't I just do it? What's holding me back?

But the problem lies in "what if I don't get in?" where will I go? Would i force myself to stick it out another year in Montreal? Get another stupid meaningless mindless job and work for an entire year? The thought of that scares me more than failure at Dawson! Or I could move out to Alberta for a year, there I'd have to work too... but I could be close to Kyle, which might make it worth it. I just don't want the only reason I'm going out there to be him. Is it selfish to want something for myself out there? I could move home too, although I don't think my parents would be thrilled... they were all ready to be rid of us, and now I want to move back in? Plus there's nothing there for me either... None of my friends live there anymore, and I felt so constricted by the smallness of Elora when I did live there. I don't think the transition from independence to moving in with my parents would go to smoothly.

Since when did it get so hard to figure out what I wanted?