Unafraid?

I have no idea what I'm doing with my life anymore. This is the first time in my entire life that I can say this.
Shortly after the realization came fear. I just so happen to be a person grounded on plans... I have always had my next five years planned out perfectly, falling in place as I went along. Now, my summer is sure to be full of unexpected changes, and in the fall I have no idea what I want to do, or where I'll be. I'm currently exploring my options, like I said, for the first time in a long time. I don't think I've ever not known where I was going in the fall. The fact that it might not be school scares me even more.
Somehow, now that I've called it quits with university, I do feel as though I've accomplished something. I'm able to scratch one more thing off the list of "what I don't want to do". Plus, I do have one whole year of university under my belt, so that if I even felt the want or need to return, I think I could. If I really had to.
The question is, am I scared or excited about not knowing?
I think perhaps having my life oh-so-perfectly planned out has always been a stumbling block for me. As much as I love spontaneity, I rarely can convince myself to live in that way.
The past couple of weeks I've been stumbling blindly over these realizations... asking people I trust what they believe and feel I should do. The one person I should have asked first though, I have quietly ignored.
What does God want out of my life? What does He have planned for me? Because all my planning is in vain if He has some other idea up His sleeves. And lets face it, He probably does. And its probably going to better than anything I've ever thought up. He knows me far better than people I've been seeking out for guidance, He knows me better than I know myself. So why is it so hard for me to trust Him?
Am I supposed to stay at Concordia?
Do I belong in Montreal?
Should I go to Dawson?
Should I move closer to Kyle?
Would I be happy in Alberta?
Would it be acceptable for me to move back home?
Do I want to move back home?
Should I work for a year, or continue my education?
What's holding me back from making such important decisions?
Yet, somehow.. for the moment... I feel strangely at peace with the idea that I have no plans. This opens up an entire new world to me, and now nothing is holding me back from choosing want I want to do. But instead of asking what I want to do, shouldn't I be asking what God wants me to do?
I guess maybe God's telling me its time to face my fears.

Portfolio

So, even though I'm reconsidering going to Dawson in the fall, I thought those of you who follow this might like to see the photograph section of my portfolio. It's pretty amature, but it interests me. So enjoy!


















Camp (girl's division) at 5 .30am. Walkerton, On.

The shore of the Saugeen River, at Party Beach.

The Seawall beach in Galveston, Tx

Sarah, in Fergus

I want, I want, I want.

I've been looking into colleges for some reason, and not even for interior design anymore... yesterday I found Holland College, in Charlottetown, PEI. There's a program there for Pastry Chef, and it lasts a year. I would love to do that... or would I love to go to Dawson for interior design?

The interior design program is three years long. Which is... long. And I'm afraid of failure here... to get into Dawson only to have to drop out of another program might break me. I'm sick of living in Montreal... sick of speaking french, sick of leaving everyone I love behind to come back to a place where I feel alone.

The more I think about it, and talk about it, the more I think I should be doing the pastry chef thing... Its only a year long.. so if it was awful, I would almost be done anyway. And even though it's farther away, I love to travel, I want to live in as many places as possible. And I've always wanted to be a chef, its what I always thought I would do, so why don't I just do it? What's holding me back?

But the problem lies in "what if I don't get in?" where will I go? Would i force myself to stick it out another year in Montreal? Get another stupid meaningless mindless job and work for an entire year? The thought of that scares me more than failure at Dawson! Or I could move out to Alberta for a year, there I'd have to work too... but I could be close to Kyle, which might make it worth it. I just don't want the only reason I'm going out there to be him. Is it selfish to want something for myself out there? I could move home too, although I don't think my parents would be thrilled... they were all ready to be rid of us, and now I want to move back in? Plus there's nothing there for me either... None of my friends live there anymore, and I felt so constricted by the smallness of Elora when I did live there. I don't think the transition from independence to moving in with my parents would go to smoothly.

Since when did it get so hard to figure out what I wanted?

Stressful Endings...

I feel like... everything has to end all at once.
School's almost over, and I would be thankful... but I can't make myself finish. I can't make myself do anything anymore. I have two essays looming, both 10 pages long and both due within this next week. And I can't start them. I'm constantly thinking about them, and worrying, but that's as far as I go. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't I make myself do this research? I started, but I soon found out that there was no information for my chosen subject, i gave up... and now i cant restart.
Can't it just be over? Can't it just end!
Then there's work, I can't wait to quit... tomorrow. but even after I give my two weeks notice, there are two weeks left! and I just want to go home and relax.
The worst part is; that I don't even have to finish! I'm dropping out anyway, so why do I feel this need to finish my first year? I know after i finish, I'll be proud that I stuck it out... but at the moment, I just need the motivation to get through it. But I can't.
And I even know that with this "can't" mindset I won't be able to... I'm becoming the little engine that couldn't.
If i had chosen an easier painting to study, would it change this feeling? Would I be able to get through it even though I don't want to? I'd like to think yes, it would've changed everything... but knowing me, I would've still found a way out of it.
Why am I like this? Why can't I find the motivation for it? And why, why does life have to be so hard?
I think if it were up to me, I would just let it go... I wouldn't finish, and I would just forget about the whole university experience. But I feel like if I did that, I would be letting everyone down. I want to move on to Dawson, and get my life the way I want it, rather than the way I feel everyone expects me to do it. Because, in truth, that's the only reason I have for being in university in the first place. I wish I didn't care what people thought of me, or expected from me... and I realise that people don't really care. They don't. So I should do what I want, yes? But should I be giving up on university so readily? I did already pay for the semester... so it's a waste to not finish, and finish well.
But I don't want to!
Why can't I motivate myself?

Nanny!

As of this morning, I've accepted the job as nanny.
There are two kids, Rowan who is 5 and a Acacia who is 3. I've been told they are pretty energetic kids, but with so much access to the outdoors, I'm not too worried. It'll be like camp, just without a schedule. The only issue would be if they don't listen, I have a hard time with kids who don't understand what 'no' means... so hopefully they've been well parented. The parents sound pretty cool, too... and I'm excited to work for them.

This means I'm quitting my job at Pharmaprix, finally. I'm going to keep it through to the end of school... one more month. I did enjoy working there for a while, but my boss has been driving crazy recently, which I've found to be undeserved. I'll be glad to put that behind me.

So, it's a little scary... going somewhere I've never been before, and working for people I've never met. While camping for 3 months... in cold and hot weather. Hopefully everything turns out well, and that this will be a good experience for me. I'm not nervous yet, but probably will be closer to May. And at least there are two kids. I deal much better with more children, and find one on one to be really challenging. Thankfully I have a lot of experience in this area... otherwise I definitely wouldn't feel so comfortable with it.

I've been wondering lately if this is what God wants me to do though... it's hard to tell sometimes where He wants me, and what He wants me to do once I'm there. But I was thinking yesterday, God knows me. He knows I'm not one to let opportunity pass, or adventure either. I love to travel and experience new things. He knows me. He wouldn't give me this opportunity and want me to turn it away, when that would go completely against my nature. And I'm keeping in mind that those kids aren't Christians. So maybe He has a bigger purpose for me out there than I thought.

Beginnings, With Fingers Crossed.

I havent kept a blog in a while, or anything like a blog, no journals, diaries or letters to myself. Really no emotional output in writing whatsoever. So here it goes...

I've decided to keep this up throughout the summer because I'm planning on heading out to Brittish Colombia at the beginning of May, for three months. Kyle's been offered a job tree planting out there again, and he won't go without me. So I've been offered a job either as a nanny for the foreman's kids, or as a cook/baker for the camp. Nothing's been written in stone yet, and I'm still waiting to hear back from a few people, so im keeping my hopes up and fingers crossed until everything's confirmed.

Tree planters live in camps, tenting for the entire season. Last year it snowed in June... so it should be a pretty extreme version of the camping I'm used to. I have to buy equipment to keep me warn in -20 degree weather, it gets chilly at night apparently. It'll be a summer full of adventures and new experiences for me. This will also be the first summer in 14 years I won't be spending at least one week at camp Cherith.

Kyle and I are super excited though. We've never spent a summer together, and the last time we were in the same province for more than a month was a over year and a half ago. It's exciting to not have to be a long distance couple for once.

Anyway, I plan to keep you all updated as much as possible... whenever I have anything to say.