I feel like... everything has to end all at once.
School's almost over, and I would be thankful... but I can't make myself finish. I can't make myself do anything anymore. I have two essays looming, both 10 pages long and both due within this next week. And I can't start them. I'm constantly thinking about them, and worrying, but that's as far as I go. I'm so frustrated with myself. Why can't I make myself do this research? I started, but I soon found out that there was no information for my chosen subject, i gave up... and now i cant restart.
Can't it just be over? Can't it just end!
Then there's work, I can't wait to quit... tomorrow. but even after I give my two weeks notice, there are two weeks left! and I just want to go home and relax.
The worst part is; that I don't even have to finish! I'm dropping out anyway, so why do I feel this need to finish my first year? I know after i finish, I'll be proud that I stuck it out... but at the moment, I just need the motivation to get through it. But I can't.
And I even know that with this "can't" mindset I won't be able to... I'm becoming the little engine that couldn't.
If i had chosen an easier painting to study, would it change this feeling? Would I be able to get through it even though I don't want to? I'd like to think yes, it would've changed everything... but knowing me, I would've still found a way out of it.
Why am I like this? Why can't I find the motivation for it? And why, why does life have to be so hard?
I think if it were up to me, I would just let it go... I wouldn't finish, and I would just forget about the whole university experience. But I feel like if I did that, I would be letting everyone down. I want to move on to Dawson, and get my life the way I want it, rather than the way I feel everyone expects me to do it. Because, in truth, that's the only reason I have for being in university in the first place. I wish I didn't care what people thought of me, or expected from me... and I realise that people don't really care. They don't. So I should do what I want, yes? But should I be giving up on university so readily? I did already pay for the semester... so it's a waste to not finish, and finish well.
But I don't want to!
Why can't I motivate myself?
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1 comment:
just do things in small steps, set aside a couple hours every day, and do something. You can do it, it'll be worth it to have those credits in the long run. I don't know about you, but I know sometimes going to the uni library motivates me more than being at home. GOOD LUCK, you can do it, because YOU 'want' to do it (deep down ;) )
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