I want, I want, I want.

I've been looking into colleges for some reason, and not even for interior design anymore... yesterday I found Holland College, in Charlottetown, PEI. There's a program there for Pastry Chef, and it lasts a year. I would love to do that... or would I love to go to Dawson for interior design?

The interior design program is three years long. Which is... long. And I'm afraid of failure here... to get into Dawson only to have to drop out of another program might break me. I'm sick of living in Montreal... sick of speaking french, sick of leaving everyone I love behind to come back to a place where I feel alone.

The more I think about it, and talk about it, the more I think I should be doing the pastry chef thing... Its only a year long.. so if it was awful, I would almost be done anyway. And even though it's farther away, I love to travel, I want to live in as many places as possible. And I've always wanted to be a chef, its what I always thought I would do, so why don't I just do it? What's holding me back?

But the problem lies in "what if I don't get in?" where will I go? Would i force myself to stick it out another year in Montreal? Get another stupid meaningless mindless job and work for an entire year? The thought of that scares me more than failure at Dawson! Or I could move out to Alberta for a year, there I'd have to work too... but I could be close to Kyle, which might make it worth it. I just don't want the only reason I'm going out there to be him. Is it selfish to want something for myself out there? I could move home too, although I don't think my parents would be thrilled... they were all ready to be rid of us, and now I want to move back in? Plus there's nothing there for me either... None of my friends live there anymore, and I felt so constricted by the smallness of Elora when I did live there. I don't think the transition from independence to moving in with my parents would go to smoothly.

Since when did it get so hard to figure out what I wanted?